Faith
by Mystic Yoshie
Summary: He regretted most of the things he did. Zelos supposed that on some level it was maybe it was some kind of coping mechanism. He had been hating himself for so long that he'd stopped knowing how to be happy and it was just easier not to change the way he thought and just hate. A bit of Zelos development playing with a new style.


Just a stream-of-consciousness experiment I was playing with while avoiding school work. Friend thought it was good enough to post, so here you go.

~Yoshi

…

He regretted most of the things he did.

Zelos supposed that on some level it was maybe it was some kind of coping mechanism. He had been hating himself for so long that he'd stopped knowing how to be happy and it was just easier not to change the way he thought and just hate. This conveniently also kept his standards comfortably low. Maybe that was why when it came down to it, he could just say he didn't care and it felt like he meant it, even though he didn't.

Or did he? He couldn't tell anymore.

The others all acted like he did it because it was fun. Sheena especially pretended like he just did things for attention. Oh, he_ did,_ but she always seemed to guess the wrong times. Then again maybe he didn't deserve anything else. He'd been giving her grief for so long why should she think he was trying to do anything else?

And it wasn't like he cared anyway. Not about Sheena; not about any of them. Means to an end, that's all they were. Just a means to get Yggdrasill what he wanted so that Yggdrasill would hand Zelos' Cruxis Crystal over to Seles and get his little sister out of that stupid abbey—Zelos Wilder was an ass, but he didn't want to die owing anyone anything. It was his fault Seles was in that abbey so he'd get her out and that would be the end of it. Then she could go live in the Chosen's mansion and he could go do—whatever.

There was just one thing that irked the hell out of him and that thing was Lloyd. He couldn't get over the idea that there was something he owed Lloyd. Another debt, but one that he just couldn't put his finger on. It was a tickle at the back of his head, like when you forget a name or a word and it's on the tip of your tongue and you just can't reach it. It was all Zelos could think about whenever he let his mind wander, it always landed on Lloyd and that damn debt.

The worst part was that he didn't know what it was exactly. Can't pay back something when you're not even sure what you owe, but there you go. It was there and not about to leave him alone.

That feeling got worse after they'd gone to Meltokio. It'd been he and Colette and Bud all just out for a walk. Colette had wanted to see the dog shelter—Regal had mentioned off-handedly that there was a big stray problem in the slums and the king had been working on catching the dogs and curbing the problem—and Lloyd had offered go with her. Of course, neither of the morons had thought it through and would have gotten themselves lost if he hadn't offered to take them. And they went. And it was boring.

Zelos had never really gotten dogs. They were so…innocent. It was like they_ wanted_ to love you. That was a good way to get hurt, and trust was probably the reason all those poor, stupid mutts were in the shelter. They'd trusted some random human who had just the right kind of sweet, coaxing voice to pull them out of hiding and right into cages. Stupid.

It was on the way back though, when they ran into Aurion, that he just couldn't get out of his head. Zelos had the feeling that Aurion had seen them coming from ages off—hell, Colette was still cooing over the dogs, so he probably_ heard_ them—and was trying to pretend he didn't know they were there. He was talking to some guy. A church guard. Unfortunately for Aurion, his conversion ended just as they'd gotten close enough for polite exchanges and Lloyd's head happened to swivel in the right direction.

The kid had been all defensive, demanding to know what Kratos was doing and if he was "going to try to take Colette" or some stupid question like that. Aurion just rolled his eyes and shook his head, then ran off. Zelos wasn't sure if he even actually said anything.

Seeing the traitor killed any more cute-dog conversations and Lloyd had rambled on about how he knew Kratos was up to no good and how they should leave town because Kratos would probably guess where they were staying and Colette could get hurt.

Colette heard him out like she always did, and then said—and Zelos still couldn't swallow it—that she was "glad Kratos was alright too" and that "he was probably just trying to start a garden." Lloyd started at her, so did Zelos for that matter, and asked why she thought that.

"Oh," she said, "he was talking about trying to get some wood." She thought maybe Kratos wanted to start a garden. "Besides, the area around the Tower of Salvation is really bleak. Some pretty trees would make it all look really nice!"

Zelos had started laughing, of course. The idea was stupid. The kind of innocent dribble only Colette could think up. Lloyd wasn't laughing. He just kind of stood there, wasting way more brain-power on her idea than anyone should and then finally said, "I don't know about that Colette…but maybe I am overreacting."

There was of course no following the way Lloyd's brain worked. Sometimes Zelos would swear that Colette and Lloyd had some kind of code. But whatever it was, Colette nodded all sagely and agreed that leaving town was a bit much.

That was when Zelos had broken in, albeit a bit frustrated with the jump the conversation had taken, and demanded to know why anyone cared about what Kratos Aurion was doing anyway.

Lloyd had looked at him oddly for a moment, then shrugged. "I don't know. Guess you're right. But sometimes I can't help but get the feeling he wants to say more and doesn't. And as many times as we've seen him, you'd think he just attack by now, right? But he just doesn't! He stands there and acts all quiet, but there's just something about him. It's like he doesn't want to attack or fight or anything. Sometimes when I look at him, it's like when we're training back in Sylvarant and he's trying to get me to see what I'm doing wrong, but he wants_ me_ to realize it without him saying anything."

Okay, so maybe Zelos didn't remember it word-for-word like that, but the sentiment stuck with him pretty good. Lloyd_ wanted_ to trust Kratos. He was_ willing_ Kratos to be the good guy that Lloyd had known in Sylvarant. It was stupid, wishful thinking that wouldn't get him anywhere.

And then, maybe a day later it had just been he and Lloyd at breakfast. Zelos was up early because he couldn't remember why and Lloyd couldn't sleep. They were the first ones awake and waiting down in the dining room for breakfast when, out of the blue, Bud had said the weirdest thing.

"You know? I was thinking about seeing Kratos. Sometimes I miss him. Like, I've never really had a friend like him and I really liked it. It was like having an older brother for the first time or something. I think_ man, I wish he were still here. He'd know what to do._ But then I realize if he hadn't betrayed us, we wouldn't be here. And I wouldn't know you or Presea or Regal…and I wouldn't know what I was missing."

Zelos had chucked—what else was he supposed to do?—and said something about Lloyd having a really weird idea of being lucky. Or something like that.

Lloyd shook his head, looking kind of annoyed. Maybe it was just because he was still tired and the coffee hadn't kicked in yet, and said, "Why can't you just take a compliment? You're such a jackass."

Their food had come and conversation died while Lloyd started inhaling his breakfast, but that's when the feeling had really kicked in. It pissed him off just thinking about it.

He didn't owe Lloyd _anything._ Nothing.

Not loyalty.

Not friendship.

Nothing.


End file.
